Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
