I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
