I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
