I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
