so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
