There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
