Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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