Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
