So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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