That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
