have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
