Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
