It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
