If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
