my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
