i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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