i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
