oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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