Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
