shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
