dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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