The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
