Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
