So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
