singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
