All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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