Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
don't judge my taste in strippers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
