pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
