It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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