I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
