Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
