I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
