Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
