I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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