Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
