Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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