Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
