She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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