She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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