i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
