barbara walters just said penis...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
