Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
