A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
