i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
