It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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