I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
