i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
