I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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