i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
