I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
