Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
